I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
