1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I have fence marks all over my body
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
