my phone needs a breathalizer
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
