I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
