i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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