like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.