I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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