fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just come out here and I will go home with you...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.