why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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