My room smells like vodka and shame
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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