theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
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Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
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If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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