Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
