i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
