Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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