she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Dicks are not precious.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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