So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
