I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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