your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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