how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
