My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize