Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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