I just saw a hot homeless man
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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