meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
