so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
