i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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