i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
