honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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