Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
