i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
