take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
