I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
