I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
