Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
