I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
