i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
