I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
