I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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