great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
