I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I deserve this hangover.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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