If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's shark week go big or go home
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
