Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
