apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i've created a new STD.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
