I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
