I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
