U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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