that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
