so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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