I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
