I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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