I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
