when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
