Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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