I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
