apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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