I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
