Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
