I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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