Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
